When in Europe, watch the Eurovision Song Contest

This is the absolutely most terrible show in the world. And with more viewers than Superbowl!
It used to be a way for artists to become famous outside of their own country, but nowadays it's just a really, really expensive joke. Seriously, most of these people wouldn't be able to strike a note even if their lives depended on it. It's more than three hours of ridiculous costumes and gimmicks. Everything about it makes me cringe. Imagine ballroom dancing but as a song contest...
In case you don't live in Europe and you are unfamiliar with all of the Eurovision traditions and dos and don'ts and rumours, try to see if you can find someone who actually cares about the contest and who wants to watch it with you. If they live in Western Europe they will (without a doubt) spend HOURS telling you about how the Eastern European countries have taken over the competition and that they ONLY vote for their neighbor countries. They will tell you that if a small Eastern country wins it has nothing (Nichts! Nada!) to do with the fact that their song is better than the British participant, but rather that they've created a Eurovision Song Contest mafia and bribed (is that the past tense of 'to bribe'?) the jury and who not. Obviously all obscure small countries on the boarder of Europe and the Middle East have that much money!
If I were a homosexual man I would love this show. That's probably the only good thing I can say...